Getting over an ex

I don’t like getting too personal on this blog, but since I write on occasion about my friends and acquaintances, I suppose it’s only fair to divulge about my personal life at times. So here’s a tale about getting over one’s ex.

About 5 months ago I broke up with someone with whom I’d had a really intense romance. 3 months into the relationship, when it became apparent that it wasn’t going to work out in the long run, I broke up with him. I was very torn up about this decision but I knew it was the right thing to do. I’ve spent this winter largely getting to a good place again. (N.B:Writing this blog helped)

Last weekend I ran into him at a bar. I was stunned to see him and while I didn’t interact him beyond nodding at him, later, one of his friends came up to me and gave me the 3rd degree. Apparently my ex had been discussing exes right before I walked in. The friend said that my ex had really liked me, why did I hate him? I did not, and told the friend so. So why did I break up with him, why did I “murder his heart”?  I gave him my reasons for breaking it off and he seemed satisfied.

Folks, if your own friends won’t defend you from charges of selfishness, it’s time to examine your life.

I spent the next few days in a funk, wondering if I had made a mistake, wondering we could make it all work out after all. A couple times I almost emailed him.

Serendipitously, a person that I’ve known online for 3 years came to town last weekend. I met up with him on Monday. Pretty quickly he became flirtatious and made a point that he wanted to see me again during his visit.

Wednesday, I was still tormented about my ex. That evening I met up with this new friend. He made it clear by the end of the evening that he was quite smitten. While I have no idea where this friendship is going, I am grateful that at the very least it has helped me to realize just how wrong for me my ex was. I won’t go into too much detail but the main difference is that I am religious; my ex was not. It is such a relief to go on a date with someone who shares your religious views (core value for me) right from the start.

It doesn’t mean my new friend is The One, but whoever The One is 1. sure wasn’t my ex and 2. I won’t have to feel like I’m hiding who I am from him.

Auntie Seraphic writes touchingly about barriers around your heart in an older blog post:

In marriage, there are not supposed to be barriers in your hearts. But I had to construct a barrier around the part called “Roman Catholic”, and it was a very big part. If we had gotten along in other ways, and loved each other, and treated each other decently, which we certainly did not do, there would still have been a barrier around the part of my heart called “Roman Catholic”. I would have had to keep it there to guard against my natural wish to please my husband, and he would have been most pleased if I had skipped Catholic Masses in favour of Anglican services and ignored Catholic doctrine about the transmission of life.

Having the same core values means being able to be fully intimate with your spouse, confident that you’re using the same foundations to build your lives together.

10 Comments

Filed under Dating, Marriage, Personal

10 responses to “Getting over an ex

  1. Whoa, there, serious stuff.

  2. John

    How close does one’s religious views have to be with yours for you to consider them as a potential spouse? I’ve expanded my line past the Roman Catholic circle, out of exigency, to include serious Christian of all kinds. 🙂

    • Anna

      The best-case scenario is to marry someone who is already Orthodox. 2nd best case is to marry someone who is open to converting, or at least appreciates Orthodoxy, comes to church, and is OK with marrying in the church and raising kids Orthodox. I would not marry anyone who did not fit into one of those two categories. Honestly, I think I would have a hard time marrying someone who didn’t convert to Orthodoxy before the wedding. But I suppose I’ll worrying about crossing that bridge if I ever have to do so.

      What would have to be true for you in order to marry a non-Catholic?

      • John

        I don’t know have a clear answer to your question. I think it is very much possible that I marry a non-Catholic. I happen to be a convert to Catholicism. I think there are some aspects that are negotiable so to speak and others that are not. I’m still in the process of determining that.

  3. I’m Reformed, and I would rather not have to teach someone who is a Christian from another tradition, e.g. evangelical Protestant, how to be Reformed, etc. That’s too much work; better off to find someone with whom one already has common ground, a member of one’s own tradition, IMO.

  4. BTW, all the best with this; hope things go well.

    • Anna

      Thanks. He was very nice and being the same religion was huge, but I declined to go out with him further (for one thing, he would have to move to my city from where he currently lives, and I didn’t want that on my shoulders).

  5. Thanks for the shout out. I’m sorry for all the heartache! I think that friend was out of line; you did not owe anyone an explanation. Presumably you did your best to make it clear to your suitor why the three month relationship had to end. I’m glad Mr Interfering Friend left you alone after your response.

    I think men who quiz you on your desire to marry someone of your faith are also out of line. However, it might not have occurred to them that, however you read St. Paul and whatever you think of male headship in the Christian family, it can be very VERY difficult to be married to a man who does not share your religious beliefs, especially in sexual matters. There’s a reason why a Catholic needs a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic, and (unless I am mistaken) two dispensations to marry a non-Christian. Even if your parish priest just shrugs it off as “paperwork”, it points to something very serious.

    This is not about rejection, closed-mindedness or being a bad neighbour. This is about sharing your body, your soul, your entire life, ALL of you with a man. And although men and women are equal, fallen human nature doesn’t always respect that. So how “open-minded” does a woman really want to be?

    It’s different for a man of course. As usual. I would keep in mind, though, that it is usually the mother who is the religious educator of the children.

    • Anna

      Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Auntie. I broke up with the ex due to bad behavior on his part. I’m sure he wasn’t sharing with his friends that reason. And I have no doubt that he was hurt by the breakup, but he didn’t apologize or want to reconcile. And yes, it’s egregious that his friend came up to and demanded an explanation. Should probably also mention that my ex and his friend were pretty drunk when all this happened. With the friend I went the “kill them with kindness” route tho I did call him out on the ridiculousness of what he was doing. I did not bad mouth my ex, I just made it clear that my ex’s behavior was unacceptable. And even without details, the friend agreed… because he knew how selfish this person could be. And as he went away he said, “you’re very nice” and meant it.

      The question of marrying someone of a different faith (even within Christianity) is a big one. As you said, being comfortable with sharing all of yourself with a man is what marriage is about. If her religion is a core value, I don’t see how a woman could be happy submitting to a heterodox man, not deep down in her heart.

  6. Killing with kindness is an excellent and the most classy response. It’s also, I believe, Scriptural!

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