What not to do when rejected

We had known each there for almost 10 years and we lived a good 5 hour trip away from each other, so meetings were rare. Still, this is the age of the internet, so contact over social media and email was not infrequent. Earlier in the year, he broke up with a girlfriend, and his attentions turn to me. Mixed CDs arrived in my mail and the occasional email declared how much he thought of me.

Even tho I had rebuffed his advances years ago, I have found that men don’t typically fear trying again later.

He chose my birthday to openly declare his affections. I received a card followed by a bouquet of flowers and a note signed “love”. Unfortunately, the feelings weren’t mutual, and I gently let him know that I only thought of him as a friend. His reply was a relief to me; he thanked me for being direct.

His mistake came the next day. Clearly distraught that I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship, he sent me a message undoing any goodwill he had built up the previous day with his low-drama reply. Making clear to me that his emotions were out of control, he said that he could not pretend to feel different than he did and to do so would be tantamount to lying. Apparently my feelings and wishes did not come in to play! I was also alarmed to find out that he would prefer “not to face the future without me”, basically guaranteed the very thing he sought to avoid.

I replied that I did not like being put on pedestals and that he needed to examine reality, life, and my place in it. Not knowing what to do with my message, he left Facebook  and I hope to not hear from him again any time soon, especially without an apology.

Faced with rejection, going out to the bar with friends is a good idea; writing desperate emails is not. I post this hoping that it could dissuade even one person from sending a message when emotionally distraught.



Filed under Personal, Relationships

7 responses to “What not to do when rejected

  1. How idiotic and pathetic of him. Hopefully he’ll learn in the future.

    Fellow men, don’t be that guy. Or this guy:

  2. Anna

    Perfect. 🙂

  3. Ouch. Sorry to hear it, Anna, that sucks. Especially to lose a friend you’ve known for a decade, and in a way that’s rather hurtful.
    If it were genuinely love, he’d value your feelings, needs, and wishes more than his selfish “need” to express himself.

    A guy friend complained to me yesterday that women ignore or blow him off rather than just saying that they’re not interested. But when we do, it often doesn’t go so swell.

  4. Io

    Tiresome. I’ve known guys who reacted this way. I think they really do believe that an injustice of some kind has been done to them–as though they were robbed of something that belonged to them. What that says about our culture as a whole frightens me.

    I wonder, though, about rejection in a case where the person has the right to be hurt, like if they person has made it clear they cared and then suddenly changed their mind, or got with someone else, or acted flakey. Then is it okay to tell the person off? What if someone stands you up for a date? Do you say something or take the high road? My instinct is that if everyone just takes the high road all the time, it gives a free pass for the liars and flakes to do whatever they want, and that doesn’t seem right to me.

    • Anna

      Hmm. Sometimes what we think is the high road is just an excuse to let people walk over us. If you have been clearly wronged, I think there’s different options. You can quit taking their calls and answering their emails. If they press for a reason, you can tell them how what they did affected you. Depending on the level offence, your reaction can be tempered to it. Some times, telling someone to “f***-off” is the proper response!

  5. Pingback: What not to do when rejecting | Datingwise

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